Shawn

Shawn is Corporate Stiffs' lead guitarist, unofficial head of security, and the only band member whose criminal background check might require additional processing time.

Little is known about Shawn's early years, and the band has collectively agreed that this is probably for the best.

A veteran of the heavy metal underground, Shawn has spent decades shredding his way through a rotating cast of bands, several of which are reportedly huge in Japan.

Evidence supporting these claims remains difficult to obtain.

Among his more legendary exploits is an incident involving an outdoor hose, the rear parking lot of a music venue, and what Shawn insists was a perfectly reasonable post-show shower.

He was also allegedly offered the lead guitar position in Limp Bizkit but declined, citing a lifelong hatred of rap music and an apparent inability to spell the band's name correctly.

Unlike the other Corporate Stiffs, Shawn has tattoos, a questionable history, and the general appearance of someone who might actually belong in a rock band.

This initially raised concerns about his eligibility for membership.

However, in an extraordinary demonstration of solidarity, Shawn eventually obtained a corporate job so he could participate in the band's shared misery.

Shawn's musical abilities are both extraordinary and completely unnecessary.

He meticulously learns cover songs note for note, practices complicated chord sweeps, and routinely executes blistering guitar solos at volumes better suited for aircraft testing facilities.

This behavior is widely regarded by the other members as showing off and a direct violation of the band's minimal-effort philosophy.

He's particularly fond of headless guitars, presumably because even his instruments refuse to take direction from anybody.

During rehearsal breaks, Shawn can frequently be heard practicing finger-tapping exercises while everyone else is attempting to have a normal human conversation.

He also moonlights with several heavy metal bands, creating occasional scheduling conflicts with Corporate Stiffs, although this generally goes unnoticed because Corporate Stiffs don't maintain a schedule.

When not playing guitar, Shawn serves as the band's head of security, protecting the garage from imaginary groupies and the occasional curious neighbor.

His personal interests include obscure metal, Russian state television, and remaining intentionally vague about his whereabouts between 1997 and 2004.