Dive Bar
World Tour
2029

After more than a decade of rehearsing in near-total obscurity, Corporate Stiffs are proud to announce their most ambitious undertaking yet: an international tour that has absolutely no chance of happening.

The band is currently in advanced negotiations with absolutely nobody regarding possible performances in North America, Europe, Australia, and select international dive bars with adequate parking and reasonably clean bathrooms.

Although no venues have been contacted, no contracts have been signed, and no songs have been recorded, excitement within the band is approaching unprecedented levels.

Some bands are formed out of passion. Others out of rebellion. Corporate Stiffs were formed out of a mutual understanding that nobody wanted to load equipment into a van ever again.

Founded in 2015 by two disillusioned veterans of the local music scene, Corporate Stiffs emerged from the ashes of failed rock-and-roll dreams, questionable career choices, and the realization that health insurance is actually pretty important.

Having collectively survived decades of shitty bars, indifferent audiences, inflated egos, shady promoters, and the occasional felony-adjacent bandmate, the Stiffs made a revolutionary decision:

What if we started a band and eliminated everything that sucks about being in a band?

No gigs. No managers. No agents. No recording contracts. No social media strategy. No loading equipment at 2 a.m. No splitting $150 four ways while arguing about who drank the most beer.

Just four guys in a garage, playing music, drinking beer, occasionally enjoying the devil's lettuce, and pretending they're still 25.

It was genius.

Unfortunately, nobody told the drummer.

Corporate Stiffs operate under a strict philosophy of minimal commitment and maximum delusion.

Rehearsals occur whenever the stars align, wives approve, corporate obligations subside, and somebody remembers to send a group text. Sometimes that's every other week. Sometimes two months go by. Nobody really knows, and management has stopped asking.

Their musical influences range from classic rock and punk to yacht rock, reggae, and technically unnecessary progressive metal. The result is a sound that can best be described as four entirely different bands occupying the same garage.

Despite having no original recordings, no measurable fanbase, no promotional material beyond a website, and an unwavering commitment to avoiding live performances, Corporate Stiffs are currently preparing for their highly anticipated Dive Bar World Tour 2029.

The tour will span North America, Europe, Australia, and potentially several countries where the band may have outstanding warrants.

Dates remain unannounced. Venues remain uncontacted. Transportation remains hypothetical.

Tensions within the band have already reached levels typically reserved for groups with platinum albums and serious cocaine problems.

Creative differences are rampant. The drummer wants stadiums. The bass player wants stability. The lead guitarist wants to play everything at 240 beats per minute. The singer just wants everyone to shut the fuck up so he can finish his beer.

And yet, somehow, the band survives.

Because beneath the bitterness, the inflated egos, the unresolved musical trauma, and the looming threat of another Monday morning conference call, there remains a shared dream.

Someday they'll break free from the corporate chains, throw caution and their 401(k)s to the wind, climb into a questionable van, and take their rightful place among rock-and-roll's greatest legends.

But not this weekend.

Craig's got a family thing. Dave has yard work. Shawn's playing with another band. And Rich is being a pain in the ass.