Rich

Rich is the drummer, resident optimist, and single greatest threat to the Corporate Stiffs' carefully constructed business model.

Unlike his bandmates, Rich genuinely believes the group should practice regularly, book shows, build a following, and eventually tour the world.

Nobody knows where he got this idea.

Despite repeated assurances that Corporate Stiffs exist solely as an excuse to escape domestic responsibilities and make excessive noise in a garage, Rich continues to push for live performances, professional opportunities, and something he calls "taking this seriously."

His commitment is both inspiring and deeply irritating.

Rich approaches every rehearsal with the enthusiasm of a man preparing for Madison Square Garden, even when the rest of the band is still deciding what song to play or whether the pizza has arrived.

He's also developed a unique drumming technique that involves occasionally forgetting where he is in the song while continuing to play with extraordinary confidence.

Silence, to Rich, is simply a drum solo that hasn't started yet.

Band discussions are frequently interrupted by spontaneous fills, double-bass exercises, and lengthy demonstrations of techniques nobody requested.

Rich has repeatedly threatened to leave Corporate Stiffs and join a Dream Theater tribute band, where his talents will supposedly be appreciated and the financial opportunities are limitless.

So far, the threats have produced no actual departures, although Dave continues to remind him that there is a former punk drummer standing approximately six feet away.

Rich dreams of the day he can abandon his corporate career and proudly update his LinkedIn profile to read:

Full-Time Drummer — Corporate Stiffs | International Touring Artist | Visionary Percussion Professional

Until then, he remains trapped in a cruel existence of steady income, employer-sponsored healthcare, and a band that refuses to perform.

Despite his delusions of grandeur, Rich is an indispensable member of Corporate Stiffs, largely because nobody else wants to carry the drums.